Gemma's 7th

It's your birthday today, Gemma. I can't quite say Happy Birthday because it doesn't feel like that at all. We're not 'celebrating' today. Not really. And we're not just 'remembering' or 'honoring'. When it comes to missing you in our lives, we don't have the vocabulary to describe how it feels.

But we don't want this day, September 1st, to tick by and slip through our fingers and move along without anything to set it apart. Some moments I want to line up glass jars and smash them all with a baseball bat, or I wish I had the strength to knock down a tree and make the branches crash and break as they roll down the hill. That doesn't feel like the way we want to mark this day, though! So I get out some streamers and ribbons and a few pink things, and put them at the table. All day the boys and I wear our bead necklaces. We talk about you at breakfast and during the day; once again Timo asks, "But when is Gemma coming back?" And later he tells Mattias, "Don't worry, Mattias, when we see Gemma we will both give her a hug."

It's rainy and chilly today so we have to stay inside, and the boys are going crazy with their energy and desire to use their muscles and run and jump, so I let them ride their bikes on the driveway in the rain. I think about how if you were here you would be old enough now that I could let you ride your bike down the driveway and get the mail out of the mailbox. And you could help me stir up the cupcake batter - and probably make the frosting by yourself without my help. While we wait for them to bake you could hold Hawk and read him a board book (really read the words by yourself! I know you would have loved to read!). Would you like a cup of tea and a rusk for a snack? Now the cupcakes are ready to be frosted, and Timo and Mattias decorate them with sprinkles. Stop eating so many, I say. But then I bite my tongue. This is for you and it looks so pretty no matter how many end up on the floor or eaten besides.

And now it feels a bit like "Happy Birthday", as we gobble down our cupcakes, and smile for a picture. 

We miss you.

Mother's Day photos

Mother's Day in our household brings up a swirling of emotions. We love to think about our mothers and all the ways they have loved us and given so much to us, and to think on the legacy of love and life examples that we also received from our grandmothers. And now it is special to look at our boys and step back for a moment and think about being intentional with my mothering and our parenting. Do I spend one-on-one time with each of them every day? Do I give them physical affection and verbal encouragement, more than giving commands and time-outs? 

But of course I also had three Mother's Day days with this little beauty, and she is sorely, sorely missed. I found it hard this year as I was thinking of her throughout the day, and struggling with anger that she is gone from us. I wish she were here to play pretend games with Timo and run around the yard playing soccer with him, and to hold Mattias's hand and read books to him. And I wish I could still hug her and feel her soft hair, and hear what stories she may be telling at age 5. Maybe this year she could have helped me make scones and tea for an afternoon treat.

Before Sunday morning church, we went to a nearby park and Jim took a few photos. Both of the boys were so excited by the railroad tracks that there was absolutely no way to keep them still for a photo with me - but that is certainly motherhood at this stage!
 

Well, at least the roses look nice!

Follow up: a walk for Gemma's birthday

On the morning of Gemma's birthday, the boys and I met Fiona and Megan & Emmalyn at the main section of Garden of the Gods for a walk and picnic lunch. How wonderful to have such a friend to spend the morning with!! It was a really sunny, warm day but that didn't stop Megan and Timo from running and hopping all the way. They both were also very curious about all the signs along the trail ("rattlesnakes may be present", "protect our natural resources", "Stop, climbing gear and permit required"), and the rock climbers we saw at several points. It reminded me so much of our first trip there, and Gemma's joyful inquisitiveness about all the same things.

Fiona brought pink sugar cookies for us all - which of course we had first thing at lunchtime!

 

View of the rocks at a pull-off point on our way back home

And - remembering back to August 2013... We had just arrived in Colorado Springs (with Jaja, who drove out to help with the move) and spend the first Sunday morning on a walk and picnic lunch at the same location.

5th Birth-Day for Gemma

Our minds have been full of Gemma these past weeks, as we have been anticipating this Day, her Birthday. Though she is no longer on earth and in our home, September 1 will always be her birthday, and she will always be a part of our family.

I recently heard a recitation of this poem, and it struck me - struck me fully - as beautiful, true words that I can hear Gemma saying for her own life. She was taken from us in the night - but her Creator was there, guiding her path, and there was LIGHT. I don't mean that in a metaphorical sense - I mean that literally and with forceful reality. These words are more true for her now than ever before!! 

Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
    If I go underground, you’re there! If I flew on morning’s wings
    to the far western horizon, You’d find me in a minute—
    you’re already there waiting!  
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
    At night I’m immersed in the light!” It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
    night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God - you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration - what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139, verses 7-16, The Message version

Hallelujah! Amen and Amen! We say that only with many, many tears and trembling.

...And now, for some fun pics of our beautiful, goofy, sweetie-head.

9 days old!

6 months old and starting to eat solids

10 months old and walking!

First Birthday - a chocolate ice cream cone at local shop in Bloomington, Indiana, with some colleagues of Jim's from the university. Gemma took one lick of the ice cream, and then went to go play.

One Year Old pic at the rail-trail bridge

20 months old (and finally getting more hair)

Second Birthday, at Granddad and Nonna's house in Wheaton, IL. We had a few friends and family gathered to celebrate with balloons and cake and M&M's, thanks to Nonna's initiative. Gemma hadn't figured out how to blow out the candles, but she had no trouble eating up the cake and asking for a second piece!

2 1/2 years, after nap snuggles with 6 month old Timo

2 1/2 years old, in Durham

almost 3, in Colorado Springs (helping get Daddy's birthday supper ready)

3rd Birthday - in Colorado Springs, Colorado. We had friends Miriam and Karen join us for presents, birthday hats, and a "chocolate cake with pink frosting", Gemma's requests in the months leading up to her birthday! This time she definitely knew how to blow out the candles!

The dragon fleece

Mattias has lately been enjoying the swing (while Timo runs around the yard with his soccer ball and Mommy does lunges and a 5 minute workout on the front porch), looking up at the wind chimes and listening to all the airplanes and geese and cars. Three months old and definitely the biggest of the siblings at this age, but fortunately he still can squeeze into the Dragon Fleece.

Gemma at four months old, swinging on the back deck at Grandpa and Jaja's house. Look at that big smile!

Timo at almost-4 months old, when we were living in the basement apartment in Durham. (Funny, because Mattias wears this same hat sometimes and his ears always stick out, too!)

Her Three Christmases

Been reminiscing and looking at photos from Christmastime 2010, 2011 and 2012... 

...and I've been agonizing and crying and missing, oh missing, our sweet, crazy Gemma. With all the festivities and decorations and music and present-buying, we sometimes get swept along - and we want to as well for the sake of Timo, who is old enough now to enjoy and understand the celebrations - and yet, in a pause, we ache. Every day.

I feel like a thick rope is being wrapped around my chest and is crushing me, taking my breath away and suffocating me. And I'm hoarse with screaming, No, No, come back! Her presence and the memory of her voice - the sound of her talking - and her body are so close to us still.

We look at our two little boys. Timo is the age that she was 2 years ago, the last time we had Christmas with extended family. And Mattias is the age that she was 4 years ago. We are filled with thanksgiving and joy for them, and yet we are filled with sorrow that they don't get to have their big sister here with them, teaching them and leading the dancing and running around.

So we are taking time to talk about her - of course, we do all the time anyway! - and to look back through some old photos from her 3 Christmases. Amazingly, each of those years we were able to spend time in Wheaton with our Gieser family, and one year in Durham with our Hawkins family as well. 

2010, Gemma was 3 months old

Heading off for our road trip from Indiana up to Wheaton

Aunt Katie!

 

All the Gieser family! Only three granddaughters born so far (and one on the way)

Now in Durham, with Grandpa and the rest of the family

Meeting Gram and great-Grandpa Jack, who sung to Gemma in his deep, deep crackling voice

 2011, Gemma was 15 months old

At Granddad and Nonna's house again!

Gemma got to try on this pink wool dress that Nonna had also worn at this same age

At Cosley Zoo, even though it was cold. This was the 1st time of what may be a Gieser Christmastime tradition...

A special moment to look at the Christmas tree with Nonna

 2012, Gemma was just over 2 years old

 

Now she was old enough to help put the ornaments on!

"Nonna, Nonna, look at the tree together?" was her daily refrain

Decorating a gingerbread house

Trying on her new underwear over her new swimsuit

Cosley Zoo again, of course! And it was even colder this year!