Her Three Christmases

Been reminiscing and looking at photos from Christmastime 2010, 2011 and 2012... 

...and I've been agonizing and crying and missing, oh missing, our sweet, crazy Gemma. With all the festivities and decorations and music and present-buying, we sometimes get swept along - and we want to as well for the sake of Timo, who is old enough now to enjoy and understand the celebrations - and yet, in a pause, we ache. Every day.

I feel like a thick rope is being wrapped around my chest and is crushing me, taking my breath away and suffocating me. And I'm hoarse with screaming, No, No, come back! Her presence and the memory of her voice - the sound of her talking - and her body are so close to us still.

We look at our two little boys. Timo is the age that she was 2 years ago, the last time we had Christmas with extended family. And Mattias is the age that she was 4 years ago. We are filled with thanksgiving and joy for them, and yet we are filled with sorrow that they don't get to have their big sister here with them, teaching them and leading the dancing and running around.

So we are taking time to talk about her - of course, we do all the time anyway! - and to look back through some old photos from her 3 Christmases. Amazingly, each of those years we were able to spend time in Wheaton with our Gieser family, and one year in Durham with our Hawkins family as well. 

2010, Gemma was 3 months old

Heading off for our road trip from Indiana up to Wheaton

Aunt Katie!

 

All the Gieser family! Only three granddaughters born so far (and one on the way)

Now in Durham, with Grandpa and the rest of the family

Meeting Gram and great-Grandpa Jack, who sung to Gemma in his deep, deep crackling voice

 2011, Gemma was 15 months old

At Granddad and Nonna's house again!

Gemma got to try on this pink wool dress that Nonna had also worn at this same age

At Cosley Zoo, even though it was cold. This was the 1st time of what may be a Gieser Christmastime tradition...

A special moment to look at the Christmas tree with Nonna

 2012, Gemma was just over 2 years old

 

Now she was old enough to help put the ornaments on!

"Nonna, Nonna, look at the tree together?" was her daily refrain

Decorating a gingerbread house

Trying on her new underwear over her new swimsuit

Cosley Zoo again, of course! And it was even colder this year!

Life sized gingerbread house? Yes, it is!

The famous, historic (and 5 star) Broadmoor Hotel here in Colorado Springs annually creates an amazing gingerbread house to display in their main building during Christmastime. We weren't able to visit the hotel last year to see it, so we made sure to get there this year! (And now we only live 15 minutes away, so it was easy.) Jim was able to take a half day on Friday so that we could all go together. Next year maybe the two boys will be old enough so that we can go in the evening when it's dark to see all the Christmas lights on display around the grounds.

This is one of the original steam engines (circa 1890s) that travelled from the Hotel up to the summit of Pike's Peak. Now the train for this route is a diesel engine.

 And now... the gingerbread house!! The bakers and chefs at the Broadmoor planned and created every element of this house. Except for some of the candies, they even baked all the breads that were used for the walls and roof and trees and floor. Upwards of 100+ lbs of butter, 70+ lbs of eggs ... you get the idea.

For example the little evergreen trees outside the house are green-tinted baguettes dusted with sugar. The bricks are red ciabatta. The roof-line of the house is decorated with rolls. Jim was particularly drawn to the red & white pillars (jordan almonds and burnt peanuts, two of his favorite candies).

Just one of the many lovely seating areas in the hotel.

Of course we had to go to the small cafe and get a croissant afterwards. SO ridiculously flaky.

Pristine, cool old Cadillac owned by the hotel.

Another shot of the house

And, this takes us back a week or so, but naturally we have to end this post with a shot of grinning Mattias!

"That's what I would call Some Accident"

One of Timo's favorite activities is to dump out all his cars from the toy basket and then arrange them one by one into a huge pile, with careful balancing. Usually this takes place in the center of the living room. One afternoon we found that he had piled them onto the footstool, with the biggest dump truck upside down on the top with a tractor on top of that. He was quite proud.
 

Now to destroy the pile and start all over!!
 

I suspect that he has taken this idea from his favorite book, Richard Scarry's Cars and Trucks and Things That Go. I'm sure we all know every line from this book by heart, and Timo has studied every page very carefully. Fortunately his trucks and cars are not filled with ketchup and mustard and bananas and eggs.

"Oh, NO! I never thought I would see an accident as bad as this one. This is what I would call SOME ACCIDENT! ...Luckily, no one was badly hurt."

Our little elephant

Our little elephant because... 

• he makes a lot of noises when he is falling asleep and while sleeping! Grunting, wheezing, snorting and some other kind of "he-EEE"-ing that sounds like an elephant.
• he is getting big so fast! Gaining weight, getting tall and climbing the charts. It is amazing to visibly see the growth happening from day to day. How much longer will he fit in his big brother's lap?!

Some fun expressions by our Mattias... (he likes be propped up on a shoulder when he's awake)
 

He likes to snuggle and snooze in the ring sling while around the house. Usually facing into Mommy, but here's one where he was facing out while I was making dinner. (We'd just been on a walk, too, which is why I'm still wearing my hat.) I mean, seriously, look at those cheeks!

Thanksgiving week activities

We had a wonderful and quiet long weekend of Thanksgiving family time. Jim was able to take a half day on Wednesday, and then was off on Thursday and Friday. We all enjoyed having him around during the daytime, especially me - for those tricky early morning hours with a nursing baby and a two-year old both needing attention, and momma needing extra sleep - and Timo, who got to play lots of basketball and "tool box" to his heart's delight. His first words every morning getting out of bed are always, "Daddy?"

On Wednesday our cousins Jeremy and Melanie (sans kids) came over for a few hours; they were staying all week for the holiday with Jeremy's family in Denver and drove down to see us. What an encouragement to be able to connect right away and just talk openly about life. For a quick, easy lunch we had some vegan spinach-artichoke dip (soy milk and nutritional yeast instead of cream and cheese), roasted butternut and chickpeas, and various bread and veggies for dipping.

Melanie held Mattias for a long time. He was very content with her!

You gotta admit that is one Handsome Guy.

Jeremy playing ball with Timo. Yes, we let our son play with balls in the house. It would be a futile resistance if we tried to outlaw his favorite thing.

Two Colorado "Natives", and one working-on-it-Native. That beard!

Thanksgiving Day was very quiet in our house. We had a special breakfast of pancakes and cinnamon fried apples; went for a walk in the neighborhood - it was nice and sunny - and watched football. We were feeling very tired and so decided not to join in with two families who had invited us for a Thanksgiving meal.

 Look who is a month old!! It will be interesting to see if these two boys end up looking alike. At this age, Mattias looks a lot like Gemma and Timo did, except that his eyes are a lighter blue-brown, not a dark chocolate brown. The other BIG difference is that Mats is already taller and heavier, and gaining weight so fast. At his 1 month check-up (when he was actually 5 weeks old) he was 23.25 inches - 95% - and 11 pounds 4 ounces - 75%!! On more than one occasion, I have gone to get him in the morning or after a nap, picked him up, and exclaimed, "Good gracious! What happened! You're getting so big!"

On Friday Jim bought a small live tree and got out the Christmas decorations. He also upgraded our Christmas music listening from his "soft opening" of classical and choral music to his "grand opening" Christmas music: Bing Crosby, Sarah Maclachlan, Over the Rhine, Michael W Smith, etc. Timo was very excited to help put the ornaments on the tree. Every day since he has 'helped' un-decorate and re-decorate for us.

Here's Timo exclaiming, "Ohhhh..."

Saturday was quite warm and sunny. After morning reading time (and scattering of toys all over the living room) we went to Palmer Park for an easy hike. It always helps energize me and give me contentment with our days (which right now can be tiring and demanding) to be outside, walking down a trail, looking up at the mountains and breathing in that crisp, cool air.

The headlamp was Timo's idea.

Timo got out of the pack and walked the last part of the hike. More accurately, he meandered slowly down the trail, picking up sticks and grass and throwing them off into the grassy areas. Meanwhile we parents were working on being patient and trying to 'soak in the moment' since he clearly was having so much fun...